Recently I’ve been so encouraged by my friend Lily through the blog that she began a few weeks ago. I’m inspired by the honesty with which she writes – she opens up her heart to reveal what she is struggling with, and in doing so, has put words to many of the same things I myself have been working through. The past several weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions - several nights I’ve found myself curled up in Tim’s arms sobbing for no apparent reason. There’s homesickness, exhaustion, and boredom with the present mixed with feelings of being overwhelmed and uncertain about the future. What do the next few months look like for us? Will I still be at Starbucks and Tim at Blue Nile? When do we want to go to grad school and how will we afford it? Are we wasting our time right now or is there something more we’re supposed to be learning? And if we’re supposed to be learning more, what is it?
A couple weeks ago when I was feeling really discouraged and weary, I pulled out My Utmost for His Highest looking for some word of encouragement. I found this: “When Jesus asks us what we want Him to do for us in regard to the incredible thing with which we are faced, remember that He does not work in commonsense ways, but in supernatural ways. Watch how we limit the Lord by remembering what we have allowed him to do for us in the past: I always failed there, and I always shall; consequently we do not ask for what we want. “It is ridiculous to ask God to do this.” If it is an impossibility, it is the thing we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. God will do the absolutely impossible… When once we see Jesus, He does the impossible thing as naturally as breathing. Our agony comes through the willful stupidity of our own heart. We won’t believe, we won’t cut the shore line, we prefer to worry on.”
Instead of stopping at focusing on my worries and what I’m frustrated with, it’s helpful to remember the things I’m grateful for and what I find joy in… I’m so grateful for my internship – the reason we came out here to Seattle. Sarah and Chris are always beyond encouraging and I’ve learned so much in the two months I’ve been with them. I’m grateful for the church we attend and for the community that we want to become more involved in. I’m grateful for a roof over my head, for food to eat, for a comfortable bed to sleep in. I find joy in the many walks that Tim and I go on to talk through things. Listening to Tim play his guitar brings me so much calm and joy. Reading a good book while drinking a warm cup of tea also brings me joy. And taking time to remember all that God has brought us through to get us to where we are now begins to calm my fears and replace them with joy.
Today Tim and I wrote a list of hopes for the future, goals we want to set for ourselves, and dreams that we have. It was SO helpful to get our minds out of the doldrums that we’ve been in, to imagine, to allow ourselves to dream. In writing this list we included things that to us seem impossible, with the knowledge that God can do the absolutely impossible.
